The end.

I'm done with blogging. I said I'd give it a try, I did. I'm over it. I'm crawling back into my hole and becoming the introverted person I love and miss. Back the the old handwritten journal. It misses me. Bye!

My heart hurts tonight. Anyone that knows me well would probably slap me across the face if they knew why.

Fuck snow. Fuck cold. Fuck being sick.
It's been a while since my last post and it will probably still be a while yet before the next. Who knows?
A lot has happened.
Wouldn't you like to know?

And maybe she's just tired
Maybe she just needs a break
From all these accusations
You refuse to make

Maybe she just wants the sun
To cast its light
Only on
The things you've done wrong

Perhaps the song
She so desperately croons
Will bring peace to the tide
In a time not too soon

Perhaps the waves
So rough and so fierce
Will show her what
She has come to crave

This unfit mother nature
Misguides her children
Leading them from sea to sky
Resting in assurance
That the blind do not expect
What they will find

Their minds
Too young to comprehend
The time they'll spend
Wrestling the angels
To return them to sea

But she must wait to spread my ashes
Before I am put to rest;
Put out of misery
You must grip this sword with the
Strength used to push me to the bottom of this well
These iron gates refuse to bend
Sleep

Remember this?

This is what I was listening to when I was 11. Maybe that explains a lot...

I am currently suffering from self diagnosed, self inflicted mold poisoning.
Fuck.

It's been almost a week since my last post and it's pretty disappointing to say that not much has happened. I move downtown in about a week, so obviously I'm pretty excited about that. I'm just not too thrilled about the whole packing thing. So far I've got one box down, and God knows how many more to go. I've also been trying to find jobs in the GTA, so if you hear/know of anything that doesn't suck, holla at me.

This Thursday I'll be going to see the Police with my Dad. I've got some charges to clear up before I can move. If you believed that last statement, shame on you. I'm going to see the Police show at the ACC, silly.

Saturday night proved to be quite interesting as Crake was messing around under the hood as I huddled under a flannel shirt trying to keep warm on the side of the 400. Fucking Hondas. This was followed by the nicest CAA driver and the shittiest sleep/dinner at King's buffet EVER. I will end this here.

Other than that, nothing really exciting has happened in the last 5 days. I'll keep you posted if my life gets any less boring.

Until then, I leave you with this:
It made me laugh pretty hard.

This has definitely been a trying morning. I set my alarm, like I always do, in hopes of waking up early and finishing maybe one of the million assignments I have to do, only to press 'disable' and fall back asleep. This morning couldn't have been a worse morning for me to do that. I woke myself up at 6:45 a.m. with 3 interviews on my recorder and not a word of my story typed up. Considering it takes me almost an hour to get to school on mornings like this, and my deadline is at 9 a.m. I was, needless to say, VERY pressed for time. If you see me today, you'll know by the state of my appearance, especially the hair, that it's been a rough morning. YIKES.

Anyway, normally I wouldn't be THIS stressed, as I like to tell myself that everything will work itself out, but this morning was the submission of my Raine Maida story, and I REALLY want it to get in the paper. No. It WILL get in the paper. (I really need to re-read the secret.)

I really need to get my shit together. Yeah, I know, I say that a lot, but really, this is getting ridiculous. I am forcing myself to get everything (or mostly everything) finished tonight, even if that means no sleep.

Maybe the big move will be a good thing organization wise. We all know I need as much help as I can get in that department.

BLEH.

Liferuiner show with Trishelle on Wednesday, and yes, we will be dressed up. I'm fully anticipating us being the only two people in costume, but I haven't decided yet whether that will be hilarious or extremely embarassing.

So far, since Saturday this week has been deemed my week of hell. When they said bad things come in threes, did they mean multiples of three? Who the hell are 'they' anyway? Let's just hope things improve. No. Things WILL improve.

I'm freezing my nonexistent ass off in this classroom.
Over & out.

Raine Maida performing "earthless"; a song I've had on repeat all night.

Today this man helped raise over $20, 000 for War Child Canada. For those cynics [like myself] who thought one person couldn't make a difference, here's your proof.

So I'm heading downtown later today to interview Raine Maida about his involvement in the War Child Canada campaign to raise money for a school in the Congo. Needless to say I'm pretty excited. Also, I don't know how I forgot to mention that I'm moving downtown on November 15th. I'll be moving to the Queen & Bathurst area, so all you Torontonians holla at me. Potential house warming party? There's a lot to be excited about as of late:

-moving
-still sweet prom glam Jess photoshoots with Trishelle
-hunting for a new job downtown (this could be good or bad)
-looking for an internship (Vice? Now?)
-Montreal on the 15th which means Aleasha hangouts (SO excited. I miss her terribly)
-getting back into the creative side of my writing

If any of you hear of anyone looking for freelance writers and/or interns, let me know! I'm always looking for stuff to do.

Christmas is coming...

Someone buy me these... please? Maybe my mom will reads this...haha

With love, with regret I am a beggar.

It could have been the lack of sleep, or the Godspeed You! Black Emporer playing through my speakers, but during the drive to school at 7 a.m., I got a surge of inspiration and immediately felt compelled to write. Notebook on steering wheel, never a good idea, but if you know me you know I have a terrible memory, so I had to get it down then and there. This is the result:

Deranged closet romantic for hire
And most nights I feel I'm only talking for the sake of shutting you out
Shutting me down
And still this epic choir sings praises above our heads
Pressing on
Barely taking breaths

And still I weep
Still she sings
Box springs uncovered
Exposing truths of the past
Freeing tame ghosts with invisible lacerations across their backs

And I watched the sky change from night to day
And I prayed that this silhouette
This facade of what once was would find its way
But the brightness of day hides nothing, reveals all

And you'll bear your teeth
I'll chew my lip
Still holding hands with the tightest of grip
Oh what a collaboration
What pairing of souls!
Despite your lost efforts
There is still truth to be sold

A penny for your courtesy
A dime for what mattered
Teeth chatter replaces this exhausted love song

A simple admiration for the way her eyes cross when she lies
Inconspicuously averting from yours when you ask why?
And now I brace myself for this rhythmic pattern I swore I would deter
Always for her
Always I was sure

I'm in one of those weird, guilt ridden, high stress moods again. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but I really need to read my Buddhism and meditation books and learn to chill the fuck out. I just really, really want cupcakes.



Love that.

Desolate adj. 1. barren or laid waste; devastated

Watch it until the very end!

He laid emeralds in her eyes, oh but I'd
Already tried. A bracelet made of gold and scarlet
Thread around her wrist. And everything was wrong so we
Sang sentimental songs. Oh how seldom we belong but
How elegant our kiss. And we painted crooked lines but we
Danced in perfect time to a love so much refined, we
Know not what it is until like a dullen wine we pour
Into a grief we know before but it's never quite like this, never quite like this.
All I know now is regret, it follows like a silhouette
Along the cobblestone behind me, but has nothing to
Say except to innocently ask, a voice as delicate as
Glass, "Do you see me when we pass?" but I continue on
My way.



Excerpt from 'Memphis Will Be Laid to Waste' by Norma Jean

Angelology n. the branch of theology dealing with angels

I love life and care about nothing more than being happy and enjoying it. Don't do anything because you feel you have to, ever. Only do things that make you happy. Hold on to what you've got, even if and especially if you don't know how special it really is. Life is beautiful.



Fucking awesome!

Antaeus n. Gr. Myth. a giant wrestler who is invincible as long as he is touching his mother, the earth

So although I'm passing up a night of Barrie drunkeness in place of the fucking thousand assignments I'm supposed to be doing right now, there are still a few things to be looking forward to:

-today I booked in for so far 7 sessions with Dan Innes to work on my back. We're not starting until January as he is super busy, but I'm ridiculously excited nonetheless. Dan does amazing work, I can't wait to see the drawing. You can see some of his work here: www.danielinnes.com

-sweet Jess photoshoots with Trishelle are going to be happening sooner than expected which is awesome. The whole concept is still in the works, but it's no doubt going to be nothing short of amazing. This will be my first time shooting with Jess, and I believe it's Trishelle's second. Check out some of Jess' stuff at www.jessbaumung.com and www.formertransformer.com

-HALLOWEEN. I have no plans and no costume as of yet, but seriously, what's going on this year? Halloween is hands down my favourite holiday, so I'm looking to make this year a memorable one. (Not that last year's halloween wasn't haha) That being said, let me know what you're doing and maybe we can get awesome together.

Just a little aside to anyone and everyone. I'm always open to suggestions for stories that fall into the arts/entertainment/culture category, so if you know of something that you'd like to see get some media coverage, let me know!

Tofurky: Don't knock it till you try it

I don't know what's wrong with my eating habits lately, but I can't stop. No, I will not complete the hattrick of Bolton pregnancies, but seriously, what's going on? I've always been able to eat a lot. Hell, I've even managed to out-eat some of my guy friends, right Crake? So maybe I'm just growing. That would be nice. I could definitely afford to grow a few inches. This was a stupid post, but I thought I'd write something before I head out to vote.

Jezebel n. (often lowercase) a wicked, shameless woman

How's that for cynisism?

No person will ever be completely satisfied. It's our nature to want more and to never settle for less. No one will ever be truly happy, ever. The human race is becoming more and more self obsessed with each passing day. People are far more inconsiderate and rude. There are no "thank yous" after the holding open of doors, there are no "sorrys" after someone hurriedly rushed past another, bumping into them. Humanity is a lost cause, and I've lost hope. Everyone is lying through their teeth. Countless times have many tried to instill this false hope into me, but it is no use. I know the truth. True love only exists in movies. If it does exist in reality, it fades away until it is lost. Why do we love? It is as equally, if not more painful as it is rewarding. Why must one person complete another? Why weren't we made complete? Or were we?

I found that in my desk a few days ago. It was written on February 13th, 2007. I think it's safe to say I was having a bad day.


On a lighter note, this weekend was pretty awesome. Everyone was back for Thanksgiving, so a lot of us ended up at Mainst for a night of drinks and bad decisions. It was a pretty eventful one, as my bar tab never fails me. Saturday followed with movies and lounging at Lisa's and sleepover with Krista's because I am a pussy and can't sleep by myself in my house. My fears are legit though, I swear my house is haunted. Actually, I think pretty much everywhere I go is haunted. I can't even drive at night alone without being on the phone. This was never the case until about 2 months ago at Krista's cottage when everyone was telling ghost stories. Thanks guys. Maybe I'm just legitimately afraid of being alone.

Anyway, Sunday consisted of getting tattooed, J-me hangouts, cottage/family dinner (a LOT of mashed potatoes and caesar salad, as I was a little late on the whole tofurkey idea) and then probably one of the best sleeps I've ever had.

Today I stopped by ghetto rez to hang out with some of the guys. Bajc, Ry, Peter and I went out for dinner at Rooster's where Ryley attempted to devour a wing in one bite and then shovelled about 1/4 pound of cheese into his mouth. I literally almost spewed across the table. Good thing it was an almost huh, Bajc?

You probably aren't even reading this right now because this is a long, boring, unnecessary post about my weekend. I will try to keep it a bit shorter next time, but come on, I haven't blogged in like 3 days, I've been going through withdrawl. Haha, no, but really. Be safe.

My heart

Madelaine Russell, I miss you quite terribly. Please come home soon and keep me sane.

Letter to the Minister of Transportation

To the Honourable Donna Cansfield:

My name is Alanna Brousseau and I am a 19-year-old student attending Humber College for Journalism. I am not addressing you regarding anything school related, but rather on the issue of truck drivers.

Recently, a young girl from my high school, as well as her sister died in a horrific car accident involving a truck driver. Vanessa DiCeglie and her sister Isabel were only 19 and 23, respectively. The driver was unharmed, but Vanessa died at the scene and Isabel a couple days later in the hospital. Such young lives should not have to be surrendered at the hands of irresponsibility and neglect. Something must be done.

I have also encountered situations with aggressive and careless truck drivers. Whether it was the time I sat in the driver’s seat of my car, terrified, listening to the loud honks and profanities of the driver behind me. I also recall a time I was driving on Old Church road and was about to turn right onto Highway 50. Just as the light turned green for me to turn, a giant 18-wheeler flew right by me through the stale red light. Good thing I looked both ways.

This is an issue that has been bothering me for some time, but until now I have remained silent. Today as I was driving to school, an 18-wheeler passed me, and I couldn’t help but notice the magazine that was propped up on his steering wheel as he was flipping through the pages. This is unacceptable.

My father works in the construction industry and is on the road anywhere from eight to twelve hours a day or night. If something were to ever happen to him at the hands of a careless truck driver, I’m afraid of what I would do. I am worried for the safety of my family, my friends, myself, and simply anyone that has to drive on our roads.

I hope this letter has opened your eyes a little bit to the seriousness of this issue. Though I’m sure for you it may be a small chore on an endless list of things to do, it is extremely important to myself as well as many other concerned drivers in Ontario.

Thank you,

Sincerely,

Alanna Brousseau

This is how I get to sleep at night

Alarms in the form of editors

So today I woke to the always pleasant buzzing sound of my phone telling me I had a new voicemail. I didn't recognize the number so I decided to check it then instead of later. Good thing. My editor left me a nice message saying I had an hour to find another source or my story wouldn't run in the paper. How's that for a wakeup call?
Needless to say, a lovely lady at the Drake helped me out and now there's no more drama.
I guess I should probably get used to this kind of stuff.

This may sound morbid, and perhaps mildly grotesque, but play this at my funeral.

You may tire of me as our December sun is setting because I'm not who I used to be
No longer easy on the eyes but these wrinkles masterfully disguise
The youthful boy below who turned your way and saw
Something he was not looking for: both a beginning and an end
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize
When he catches his reflection on accident

On the back of a motor bike
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight
Leaving everything behind
But even at our swiftest speed we couldn't break from the concrete
In the city where we still reside.
And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men
Cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides
Like brothers on a hotel bed
Like brothers on a hotel bed
Like brothers on a hotel bed
Like brothers on a hotel bed

It could have been the 3 tylenol I took to help with my Crest white strip induced toothache, but I haven't laughed this hard in weeks. Crake knows...

Clouded vision.

This weekend, the weekend that I had such high hopes for actually turned out to be rather dull. Guelph Friday, downtown Saturday, but no Drake because of a vicious toothache [yes, toothache].

Oh well.

RANT:

So I couldn't help overhearing a conversation in one of my classes the other day. One of the A&E reporters was bitching to her friend about how it's the same people getting published and the only reason she got published this week was by default. She said that it's not fair and that she wants to talk to the editors about it.
WHAT THE FUCK?
You're writing is not going to make it into the paper if it sucks! It's not a matter of picking favourites, it's a matter of you're writing being too shitty to make it in, you idiot. If this is going to be your standpoint in the future, when you actually have a serious job at a newspaper, I hope you don't think your editor is going to slide your piece into the section on the basis of fairness. Seriously, grow up! Maybe this should be considered a wake up call.

These seemingly endless nights call for seemingly endless thoughts.

Uh oh. That feeling is back again. You know, the one where you just really want to fall in love...

Back when things were perfect...

Sometimes, I really miss this. Maybe I always will.

Untitled

I'm SO into beards right now...seriously.

"We keep secrets to protect the ones that we love"

I think I'm addicted to blogging. For real.

Second article is being published... zing!
Find it on [Humber] news stands tomorrow.

Anyway, I'm blowing off class today in preparation for getting interviews set up for Nuit Blanche.
Oh yeah, you should all come out. Saturday night at the Drake, last call is at 4a.m. Could it get any better you ask?
Well, actually, it could. Trishelle and I will be there getting awesome [and scummy] so come say hi!

READ THESE

Seriously...now.

"Identity is artificial." -Coupland

billows of white smoke
make bridges impossible to cross
the rain falls hard tonight
hold my hands through this
without you I am too weak for these words

tonight I call you my lover
but tomorrow I am widowed
you were my calm
you were my storm


"Maybe sometimes you have to lose who you were to find out who you are."

"You have to understand your own mind in order for your reader to understand your mind."

So... what if I don't?

I leaned on the wall and the wall leaned away.

this FRIGHTENS me.

Everything gets so much louder when the lights go off.

Today is dull and it will be what seems like forever until I'm back home after a long day of deadlines, shitty lectures and "work."
On a positive note, things I have to look forward to this week include:
-the week being over
-having Friday off
-Nuit Blanche on Saturday and getting messy at the Drake
-and, at some point during this busy and seemingly endless week, this:


I'm really feeling a photoshoot coming on soon. I will be behind the camera, of course. I have a detailed idea of what I want to do in my head, it's now just a matter of getting someone to wear a white dress and emerge themselves in probably by now pretty fucking cold water. Let me know if you're interested.

you know I dreamed about you
for twenty-nine years
before I saw you
you know I dreamed about you
I missed you for
for twenty-nine years

Though I'm convinced now you're out of your mind, it's good thinking about it.

My life kind of resembles my room right now; a fucking disaster. I need an intervention, and preferably from a cute boy. Takers?

Addictions and Affirmations

a boy in which we could trust our sin
the glimmer of copper at the bottom of the well
a sigh of relief escapes tired lips;
pressing on, but still holding back
stretching hope as far as it would reach
all the while discovering the voice of reason won't fall on deaf ears or a hollow heart
"We shan't be mocked, we offer you all but our name. Give in, give in!"
We collapse into weaker versions of ourselves
bending our limbs, bending the truth
folding ourselves in

Safely expecting the worst

And today will forever be known as the day I got rejected. Legitimately, might I add, but I definitely feel like a bit of an asshole. But hey, you know what they say... you'll never find it if you're looking. So hear I sit, patiently waiting. [Trishelle: fuck this, let's get scummy.]

the end.

"Now they have an image in their head that they can't shake"

So I've been without a cellphone for a few days, and It's made me realize I'm actually NOT that dependent on technology. Haha, who am I kidding, I've been going insane [if we still spoke, you'd be laughing out loud right now.]

This is actually a lot easier than writing in a journal.Things have been pretty hectic lately. School has been claiming most of my free time, but it all seems to be paying off. My first story will be published... PHYSICALLY in the paper tomorrow. I'll post it on here when I get the chance.I was able to get down to the ROM last week to get some information on a story I was doing. I went to see the Darfur/Darfur exhibit, and it was absolutely incredible.

This photo is just one of the many haunting images that were projected on the face of the Michael Lee-Chin Crystal. It was really quite amazing.

Photo by: Michal Ronnen Safdie

Anyway, my week has consisted of a lot of running around downtown and trying to put this story together, but it paid off because now I'm finally published. I can't really complain about having to be downtown either. I love the atmosphere down there. If only I could save money, then maybe I'd already have my own place. One day.

There's definitely a need to mention Thursday night. Though I don't recall much of it, judging by my state at the end of the night, it was evidently a pretty good one. Friday morning, however, was a different story.

<3

Life is beautiful.

This is an old post from some time in June. I remember thinking it was pretty cheesy as I was writing it, but looking back on it after 3 months, I kind of like it...

I thought I'd try out the whole blogging thing. I'm not sure if i'll like it. I like physically writing in my journal. I find it's more personal, but typing away is so much faster.Today was just one of those perfect days where nothing ever goes wrong. After driving back from Brampton, I went over to Steph's house before going swimming at Graham and Lindsay's. Kreplin was still sprawled across her bed when I got there [2p.m.], so while she showered I got bored and took some pictures.

It was Kri's birthday today, so she came over and met up with us to we could all go to Graham's together. I was a bit apprehensive about going over at first, since I've always gotten the vibe that she didn't like me very much, but it ended up being such a great day. Jen, Phill, Bin, Lindsay, Graham, and Chris were there already; drinking away and lounging by the pool.

I think I was the happiest to see Bin and Phill. Bin and I haven't hung out in MONTHS, aside from our drunken mainstreet hangout on Thursday. And Phill, well Phill just always makes me laugh. He's probably one of the sweetest guys I know.

After discovering that I truly do suck at playing "colours," and a sweet double-man slide, we called it a day, but not before I was stung by a bee.I hadn't been stung since I was maybe 4 years old, and I definitely don't remember the pain being that intense. Kri and Steph tried to cut off my circulation by squeezing my finger as hard as they could, but it really didn't help.

I wish I had brought my camera when I was driving back to Kri's.
The sky looked so beautiful on my drive over. It was like a swirl of purples, oranges and blues. There's this one stretch on Mountainview Road where if you look up right at the tops of the trees, at the narrow space between the 2 tree lines, it looks [and feels] like you're moving with the sky. I tend to notice this often, but today it was especially beautiful.

I have a feeling this may be a long entry, so I'll continue it tomorrow. I'm drained.